How God Healed My Heart When I Lost My Dad

Sometimes, the holidays can be tough for people, especially when you’ve lost a loved one.  In 2010, I lost my father.  The pain of his passing was compounded by the fact that I was not informed. 

It was Christmas 2010, and we had family from NC visiting.  During the visit, one of my aunts asked me about my Dad.  My response shocked me! 

“I’m not sure if he’s dead or alive,” I replied.  

How could those words come out of my mouth?  My last conversation with my Dad was so beautiful.  It was different and memorable.  My Dad was so upbeat during the call.  We laughed, he told me that he was proud of me, and that he loved me.   At the end of the call, he continuously repeated words, “You’re alright, girl, you’re alright.”  Those words stayed with me.

In the weeks and months to follow that conversation, I would call, but no one would answer the call.  Initially, this was not alarming.  However, there came a time that there was an uneasiness in my spirit, and I seemed that I could not “feel” my dad.  One day, I called and left a voice message on the answering machine wondering if everything was okay.  I received a reply from his wife.  She shared that they weren’t answering calls because of bill collectors.  Shortly after that, their number was changed. 

A few weeks after my aunt had asked about my Dad, January 2011 rolled in, and I received a call from one of my father’s sisters.  She was living in the islands and shared that she had been trying to reach me.  She was calling to inform me that my father had passed in early December.  It was such a hard call for her to make and an even harder call for me to receive.  My aunt shared the few details that she had of my father’s passing.  My aunt was grieving and trying to process how my Dad’s wife intentionally kept all of my father’s family away … including the relatives that lived nearby.  We learned that he died in the hospital and that his wife had him cremated promptly and made no attempt to contact any of his family to let them know that he was in the hospital or had passed.

My heart was crushed.  That was some of the heaviest information that I had ever received, and although I initially had a hard time processing the information, I can still see the hand and the grace of God.

“God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

God is present, even in the tough times.  During the times that our hearts are hurting and it seems that it will not heal, God has a way of loving on His children and revealing His presence, His love, and instructions to guide us. For me, there were five major ways that God revealed His grace. 

1. God’s Word
2. Godly Counsel
3. Godly Support
4. Forgiveness
5. Confirmation of God’s Word

God’s Word:

Each detail that I learned about my Dad’s death was painful.  Processing the fact that he was cremated was heart-wrenching, and the idea that he could have died alone seemed unbearable.  When the tears seemed to pour from my eyes daily, God showed up for me in a special way.  He sent His Word to comfort and heal me.  Here are some of the verses that God placed upon my heart:

• Rev. 21:4 – – “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.”
• Rev. 20:13a – – “And the sea gave up the dead which were in it …”

These verses helped to dry my tears.  They reminded me that the cruel deeds of people and the seemingly callous cremation could not stop God from gathering my Dad’s soul. 

I found comfort in knowing that my Dad had the honored position of being amongst those who rise first.

Godly Counsel:

Through my loving Husband …

My husband was the first person to offer godly counsel to me.  One morning after learning that my Dad had passed, I can recall telling my husband that I could not bear that pain.  It seemed like each day I was waking up with tears in my eyes and my heart aching.  That’s when my husband said, “Maybe you need to have something for your Dad; you need closure.”

He was right.  So, we began to plan a memorial service for my Dad.  My Mom was a great support to me as we worked to order the programs and bookmarks as well as informing family that we would have a memorial service in North Carolina for my Dad.  Having the service helped.  Family came from far and near to support and show their love.  It was a great way to honor my Dad.

Through my loving Overseer ...

My Overseer, Dr. Cheever, was the next person to offer me godly counsel.  Because of the way my Dad’s wife handled his illness and his passing, many speculated that she did it because of the insurance policies.  That wasn’t my thought nor my concern; however, some of my loved ones were doing their best to help and make it all make sense.

When I informed my Overseer of my Dad’s passing and shared how some were advising me to sue his wife, she gave me words that rescued me when I could have drowned in a sea of hurt, bitterness, and retaliation.  My Overseer gave me information that helped me to remain true to who God made me.  She helped me to remain the peacemaker when she stated, “No.  That’s not who we are, and that’s not what we’re about.”

That was the medicine that I needed.  When people’s words were pointing in so many directions, my Overseer gave me instructions to keep me walking in the right direction.  

Through Prophetess Grady …

One day when my heart was hurting and people’s words were wounding, Dr. Grady shared some words of comfort with me.  She gave me permission to grieve my Dad’s death.  Somehow, she seemed to know that I was sprinting through those stages of grief.  I was trying to put on a strong front and remain optimistic; however, I was still hurting.  She said, “You’re gonna cry because that’s Daddy.  You’re going to feel it because that’s Daddy.” 

Additionally, she encouraged me.  Even though I felt like my Dad was gone, my feeling wasn’t confirmed until I received the call from my Aunt.  God allowed Prophetess Grady to share words of wisdom that helped to battle words of discouragement that had been spoken to me.

I am so grateful to God for the Words of life that God gave to me through my husband, my Overseer, and Prophetess Grady.

Godly Support:

There were so many that prayed for me during that time of sorrow, called to check on me, and loved on me and my family.  Even though I cannot name each one, I am grateful to God for how my Aunt Liz was with me when I first received the phone call about my Dad’s passing.  She was such a great support to me.  Love, encouragement and support came through so many, including:  My brother and his family, my aunts, uncles, and cousins who came from near and far to be at the memorial service.  Additionally, I thank God for the support that I received from my Bishops and the love that I received from my local church family.  There were so many people who were seasoned with grace, love and compassion, and I am forever grateful for how they allowed God to use them to pray and share an encouraging word at the right time.  Their love helped to bear the load.      

Forgiveness:

Very early in the process, my husband shared another word of wisdom with me.  He shared how “the fruit tree yields fruit after his own kind.”  (Gen. 1:11)  He explained that my step-mother was bitter and that she was trying to give me a reason to be bitter, too.  He explained that the tree of bitterness was trying to reproduce fruit after its own kind.

I did not want bitterness to rest in my heart.  So, I began to pray.  I knew that I did not want to be like her, or act like her.  There was only one way to ensure that I did not take on any of her traits.  I had to forgive her.

But how?

Our words are often great indicators of our heart.  Sometime after learning about my father’s passing, my aunts were able to discover a new phone number for my Dad’s wife.  When I first called, the answering machine picked up, but I had no words.  I could not leave a message.  Although my heart was still hurting, I am grateful that God did not allow me to say anything.  I continued to pray.  One day, the Lord allowed me to call, and this time I was able to leave a message.

“Hi.  This is Charisma.  If I had the chance to speak with my Dad, I would have told him that I loved him, and I want you to know that I love you, too.”

God broke the yoke and chains of hurt.  I was free.  Even though it would have seemed that her deeds could have given me a reason to hate, I did not hate her. Even though she gave me a reason to be angry, I wasn’t angry.  God kept me from bondage, He gave me peace, and He brought so many blessings and breakthroughs into my life.    

Confirmation of God’s Word:

Later, God comforted me with a direct word and a supporting verse. He informed me that my “Daddy was a good man.”

• Prov. 13:22a – – “A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children:”

In God’s matchless ways, He confirmed this Word with a deed from my Dad’s wife.  One day nearing the summer of 2011, she sent a check to my home written to the order of “The Bythwood Children.”  At first, it seemed like another slight, but God reminded me of His Word …. “A good man leaveth an inheritance to his children’s children.”  After paying the tithes, God placed upon my heart that the check was a seed.  We sowed the money into ministry, and amazingly, God blessed all three of our children with a full academic scholarship.

If that wasn’t enough confirmation, God continued to send hints, reminders, and confirmations.  For example, the condenser for our air conditioner went out during the summer.  The A.C. company that we selected installed a new condenser named “Goodman,” and the gentleman that installed the unit looked like he could have been my Daddy’s twin.  When I first saw that guy, I stepped back in shock and amazement. When my husband came home during lunch to check on the installation, I asked him who did the installer look like.  He agreed that the guy looked like my Dad.  It was like another hug from God, letting me know that He was in control.

Some years later, my Dad’s wife passed away.  Our relationship was not contentious because God had graced me to breakthrough to forgiveness.  I had to give up the right to know all of the details and to trust that God was with my Dad.  God was restoring and reclaiming his soul.  

Here is the encouraging verse that God placed on my heart:    

• I Thess. 4:16 – – “For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:”

That helped my perspective to change.  I began to think, “Wow, Daddy.  You have the honored position of being amongst those who get to rise first.” After his wife passed, my family was able to receive his remains.  Even though my initial thought was that the cremation was cruel and heartless, I learned that God knows how to work everything out for our good.  He was answering my Daddy’s prayer. 

During my Dad’s final visit to Florida, he informed me that he wanted to be in Florida.  He wanted to be close to me, his grandchildren, and his son-in-law.  We spent a portion of that final visit touring model homes.  I didn’t realize how God was going to answer my Dad’s prayer; however, when we received his remains, my Dad was able to be buried at a Memorial Cemetery in our city for veterans.  His remains were able to rest in Florida.  The staff there demonstrated so much care and kindness.  Although the first memorial service was without his remains, God blessed my Daddy to be laid to rest in honor. 

Truly, God is faithful. 

A Word & a Prayer for the Readers …

Perhaps, you can identify with a portion of my story.  Perhaps, you know the grief of losing a loved one.  Perhaps, you’re trying to make it all make sense.  Maybe you grew up without your Mom or Dad.  Maybe, a grandparent or another relative raised you.  Maybe, you saw the internal and external battles that your parent(s) fought.  Maybe, you grew up in a home where you saw your parent experience harm, ridicule, and mistreatment.  Perhaps, it seems that you lost your loved one too soon.

Jesus knows and understands the pain that you are feeling right now, and He wants to heal your heart. He is a loving God, and He understands the grieving process.  He understands the tears that stream down our face as well as the ones that are cried internally.  He sees the pain that you are experiencing, and He cares. 

A prayer for you …

Father, I ask You to look upon each reader of this post.  Lord, you know exactly what each person is going through at this moment.  You see the hurt and the shame that they have experienced.  You see the agony in their heart, and You see the questions in their mind.  You see those who lost loved ones and became hurt, angry, mad, or sad in the process.  You see those who have struggled with grief for years.  You see those who love You but there are struggling with their emotions.  You see those who have become bitter in the process. You see those who are fighting over stuff.  You see those who process their pain by wounding others with their words and deeds.  Father, we ask for forgiveness, healing, comfort, and deliverance.  We ask You to move in a special way.   Father, bless Your people with beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.  Work a miracle in the lives of Your people.  Bring healing and comfort and let them know and feel Your love.  In Jesus’ Name. Amen.